Seeking Answers and Meaning

Newtown.  I've been pretty quiet on the subject.  I made a brief comment on the first Facebook post I saw about it, "liked" a couple of messages of condolence, shared a blog that I connected with when I read it.  I have had a few brief conversations on the topic with family and friends.  For the most part I have avoided the topic; however, it has been in my thoughts almost constantly.

I have kept up with the information and misinformation through social media.  There is such pressure to stay on top of a news story that any tidbit gets sent out to the world before the truth can be confirmed.  As a society we feel the need to know the answers.  How does a tragedy like this happen?  Why?  How do we stop it from happening?

I have the same questions.  How does someone look at the terror in the face of a small child, and still pull the trigger?  The very thought sickens me and brings tears to my eyes every time.  What makes a person walk into a school (or a mall, or a movie theatre) and shoot anything that moves, and then turn the gun on himself?  What is the thought process?  I have been through dark times, but this?  No, this I don't understand

There have been so many outcries from almost every stance.  It almost feels like I'm staring at a bad multiple choice test.  Is it
a) We need greater gun control.
b) Only good people with guns can stop bad people with guns.
c) Society places too much focus on violence.
d) We don't allow God in our schools.
e) This is not a moral problem, it's a public health issue, a mental health issue.
f) All of the above.
g) None of the above.

I know that the hearts of the people behind each line of thought are in the right place.  They all want the same thing.  They want the violence to stop.  It is perhaps ironic that this drive for peace brings such discord.  Such animosity.  I read their thoughts and proposals.  I agree with them.  And I disagree with them.

A mother writes about living with a son with mental health issues, and the fear she lives with not knowing when her normally gentle child will turn and attack those he loves, those who love him.  I have seen the demons in myself and in my children.  I know how quickly they can rise up.  But they never reach this proportion.  How does one deal with that?  I can't tell you.

Tributes to the victims are shared.  We see little Ana singing "Come Thou Almighty King" as her brother accompanies her on the piano.  We read about Victoria Soto who saved her students by hiding them in closets, but lost her own life.  Yes, let's get to know these people.  Let's honour them.  They were beautiful.

I believe we are right to place our focus here.  I think there is a time and place to delve into the cause of this tragedy, to seek answers to the "why," if there are any to be found.  If we can do anything to avert this kind of tragedy from happening again, we must do it.  But for now, take time to mourn.  And take time to hold on.

Hold on to those you love.  Hug them.  Not quickly, but in a true embrace.  Say "I love you," not just with your words, but with your actions.  Care for those around you, even those you do not know.  Even those you disagree with.  Make the world a better place today.

I'll conclude with the words of my friend Aaron Bull, who said it better than I can:

"The Newtown massacre reminds me of something. That is, as my parents taught me, a primary goal should always be to return or leave things better than I received them. As such, while thinking about the Newtown massacre (a lot and quite often times with tears in my eyes) I'm reminded once again of that primary goal. Life is not about politics, it's not about gun control, it's not about religion, it's not about what place I have in life or a myriad of other things. It's about, again, leaving things better than I received them. On that note, I feel I (probably we) have lost focus on that primary goal; how can I leave this place, this planet, better than I received it? How can I make sure that my daughter, my (hopefully) grandkids, their kids, etc have a better world than when I was here?! I don't know the answer to that question. I'm still thinking and doing what I can, but I know I still have a lot to learn and do! I'm willing to take that next step. Are you?"

Hello, Darkness

"Hello Darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again." - Simon & Garfunkel, The Sound of Silence

Funny how quickly they can return, those demons.  A virtually sleepless night.  An unresolved disagreement with my husband who, for whatever reason, has yet to tell me he loves me today.  Kids arguing.  The stress of facing the day ahead.

24 hours ago, life was good.  I was tired, but life was good.  That was my mindset.  Today the demons have returned.  "Is life really worth it?  Wouldn't it be easier if you just weren't around?"  I can hear them in my mind, voices ranging from whispers to raging roars.  I know that, at least for now, I am helpless to silence them.  The best I can do is ignore them, hoping they will soon tire and leave me at peace once again.

It's strange.  As much as I despise the voices, there's a twisted comfort in them.  The battle is a familiar one, it is something I know.  Like the villain who brings meaning to the superhero.  But I'm no superhero.  Just a person looking to survive another day.

And I will.