That Holiday Feeling

So today's my birthday.  The day the number that indicates how many full years I've been breathing oxygen increases by one.  It started much the way it has almost every year - ringing in the new year with family.  A few things have changed over the years, but my first "Happy Birthday"s are always accompanied by "Happy New Year"s, and I like it that way.

My hubby asked me today what it feels like to be 30.  (What a nice guy.)  I said pretty much the same as being 29.  Which was still more or less true, aside from the fact that when I was 29 (wow, that feels like forever ago...) I wasn't kept up until 2:30am by a baby who didn't want to go to sleep, I wasn't woken up at 5am by a 12-yr old telling me he had thrown up, and I wasn't dragged out of bed at 8am by the same baby, and then asked by a 5-yr old to make him something to eat.  Actually, come to think of it, that last one may have happened.

Really, today didn't feel a whole lot different than any other day.  The only thing really out of the ordinary was a birthday cake and going out to a movie with my hubby, both of which were nice.  Oh, and the 80 or so Facebook birthday wishes.  But it didn't feel like my birthday.

I remember the same thing just before Christmas.  "It just doesn't feel like Christmas," I thought.  It feels...ordinary.  And then I wondered - what do I expect it to feel like?

I guess a part of me expected the excitement of childhood.  The days spent in anticipation of the upcoming holidays, wondering what was in the wrapped boxes under the Christmas tree, eager to spend time with relatives, some of whom would be travelling from two provinces away.  Forced naps on December 31st so my parents didn't have to deal with completely cranky kids at midnight, especially on the years when we celebrated at a friend's house.  (I remember at least one meltdown when I was told it was time to go.)  There were three families that spent New Year's Eve together for years, alternating houses every year.  Those nights have some of my favourite memories.

I guess that was what I was waiting for.  And then I realized that it wasn't going to come.  Not because I don't enjoy Christmas anymore, or because I don't look forward to time with family and friends.  Not because New Year's Eve is less exciting.  But just because I'm older.  More tempered.  More grounded.  (More boring?)  Because life around the special days is busier.  Because I view the days a little differently than I did before.

And I realized that's ok.

Christmas Eve with the in-laws was relaxing.  Christmas Day with my family chaotic and loud, but full of joy and love.  New Year's Eve at home quiet, but with loved ones.  My birthday spent with those who mean more to me than all the world.

Yes, it feels different.  But it feels right.